The child’s only work in learning to play violin is to stay present to the process. To participate in practice and learn as best as they are able.

The parent holds many more responsibilities to facilitate the child’s learning.

• Communicate with the teacher
• Practice daily with the child
• Cultivate a rich musical environment
• Help the child process difficult challenges
• Take careful notes in the lesson so expectations can be reproduced at home

It is easy to see that even if a child could do all of these things, it would be difficult for them to do so. We spend years cultivating a mature student’s ability to practice on their own. And even then, parents are often still managing scheduling and comforting them in times of strife.

The cognitive load of being a student is very different than the cognitive load of being a parent of a student. And that is for good reason.

Consider the fact that it is often amateur athletes who attempt to train without the help of a coach, whereas professional athletes almost always have a coach. Even when an athlete is at the top of their field and late into their career, they still have a coach.

There is so much value is splitting the cognitive load of coach (decision maker, overseer, expectation holder) and student (working hard, daily commitment, present to the process, focused only on the task at hand).

And here comes the crucial point… Just as the parent holds a cognitive load for the student, the teacher must hold a cognitive load for the parent.

In order for a parent to be present, give everything to this project, stay committed daily, and be present to the process teachers must support a cognitive load for the parents.

One of the realizations I had from working so closely with a family for nearly two years is that modern parenting is mayhem. Parents are doing the absolute best they can, and they are completely overwhelmed. Not just by tasks on their plate, but the volume of decisions on their plate every single day.

It is actually not helpful for a teacher to simply default to what a parent thinks is best for the child– especially when it comes to your field of expertise in violin and human learning. A teacher can pick up the cognitive load by communicating clear expectations, building a vision for where we are headed, pulling families on board to a rigorous process, and holding the standard.

When you were in school you relied on your violin teacher to hold you accountable for the work they assigned. You wanted them to have a higher standard for your playing than even you did. You wanted to be on a trajectory toward growth and that meant your teacher needed to see that for you.

To require a student or a parent of a student to hold and stay accountable to their own standards is to make the process incredibly difficult for them.

It is the student’s job to learn, it is the parent’s job to figure out how learning fits in with the reality of their life, it is your job to hold the standard for learning and to appropriately teach learning principles whenever possible.

So the teacher sits in this sort of paradoxical but important place where, of course, anything could happen, life happens, and that is all right, you will never be mad at a family, but you define the standard and acknowledge when the standards weren’t met. You acknowledge your disappointment.

To ignore standards because of a life event or a busy week is to actually make the process of learning violin more obscure and challenging for student and parent.

A parent can see beyond the feelings of a child and support what is safest for the child. A teacher can see beyond the life circumstances and struggles of the family and support what is healthiest for the family.

I know it feels strange, but sometimes your biggest gift to them (the gift they want the most) is to ignore their circumstances and uphold the standards.